Is There a True Right and Wrong?
Today, I want to start off with a story.
My family and I live in what most would call a small apartment. This apartment is the second smallest apartment we have ever lived in. It’s only beaten by the one bedroom apartment my husband and I moved into shortly after we got married. (That apartment, with just the two of us and a large open floor plan felt gigantic to us at the time though.)
We have about eight hundred square feet in our two bedroom apartment and we truly love every inch of it. The things we have are intentional and while we have had to make pivots and rearrange due to new needs, we have been able to make this apartment home. We love it here.
That doesn’t mean there aren't some drawbacks though. The biggest one being, what might literally be, the thinnest walls in existence. We live on the bottom floor, which means we have upstairs neighbors. We hear everything. If they speak loudly, we can hear it through the floor. (As someone who used to be a second-floor resident in previous apartments, if you ever heard me talking, I’m truly sorry.) I can hear my boys and whatever they say from their room all the way in my room, even if the door is closed. The only time we can’t hear people well is when the air conditioner is on, because that beautiful piece of machinery needs its own voice apparently. The walls that lead to the outside are as thin as the interior walls. We also live in front of the pool so I always know when people are out there, enjoying the cool water in the squelching heat. I know when the girls gather around the lounge chairs to bash their boyfriends or when the families are getting together to celebrate with each other. I know when it’s happening because I can hear it happening through the walls as if they were right next to me.
It is really busy around my apartment, due to our location. Outside of the pool that my walkway leads to, we are right next to a grilling station plus we have two grassy fields. There are a lot of celebrations, a lot of outside dinners, and a lot of kiddos playing and enjoying the sunshine. We enjoy these amenities alongside our community. You’ll always find my kiddos playing outside any chance they get.
Recently, there was one of the parties, celebrations, large gatherings that usually happen over the weekend. I love seeing how my neighbors get creative to use the available space in their home and in the community to still gather together. Getting families and friends together has become a lost art. I know I’ve been told I can’t have people over to my place (in apartments past) because of “lack of space” or the idea that I couldn’t host well in an apartment. In my experience though, I’ve been able to host fine and seeing other people not be hindered by what others would consider an obstacle, inspires me to figure out ways to open my home more as well.
It was late, almost eleven at night and my husband and I were getting ready for bed. The boys were fast asleep, having gone to bed hours earlier. It was as we were getting ready to go to bed that the noise level was getting louder. The celebration that had started at an apartment had moved to the pool, despite the pool being closed and quiet hours long in effect. There seemed to be no consideration for the buildings that surrounded the pool, all with dark windows and closed blinds, inferring that most people were sleeping or in bed. There seemed to be no consideration as the screeching and yelling got louder and louder. As time wore on, it was hard enough for me to block out the noise in order to fall asleep, but I also started worrying that it would wake up the boys.
I went to my door, opened it and tried to get their attention to ask them to keep it quiet. I didn’t care that they were at the pool outside of pool hours. I might be a rule-follower and someone who loves boundaries, but I recognize that most of the world tends to look at things like pool hours as recommendations and really, who is going to stop them? (The lack of obvious consequences is enough of a reason for people to break rules) Usually though, when people are breaking the pool hours rule, they’re considerate enough to not be screeching as if it was the middle of the day.
Eventually, I had to yell in order to get their attention. By then, my grace was gone and I wasn’t as kind or gracious as I could have been. I implied they were being obnoxious and didn’t need to be so loud and they should consider that people might be sleeping.
Everybody got quiet and as I was closing my front door, a woman mumbled something that had me opening my door again. It was just loud enough for me to know she said something but mumbled enough to where I couldn’t understand.
I’m a big believer that if you’re going to say something, own what you’re going to say and say it loud enough for others to hear. I asked her to repeat her mumbled words.
“You didn’t have to be so rude about it,” was her (now) yelled response. She then went on to say that I didn’t need to yell at them and that is probably when the pre-Jesus Ashleigh came out. Logic, debate, and being right were at the forefront of my mind.
When I tried to explain (also in a yelling tone) that I had to yell because when I tried to talk to them, I was completely ignored. In my mind, I was just trying to speak in the language they knew.
However, instead of letting this be a discussion, this woman decided to yell over me with phrases like “Have a good night! Good night!. Have a good night!” Apparently that was the better way to respond and deal with the situation.
That’s when I know the pre-Jesus Ashleigh came out. Nothing irritates me quicker than not being able to speak. I’m all for conversation, debate and even arguments. I don’t believe you are the better person because you say phrases like “have a good night” and you don’t win arguments because you yelled over the other person and didn’t let them speak.
Really though, she didn’t get to call me rude and not allow me to answer for it. That’s probably the underlying issue. You cannot attack my character and not allow me to speak up for my character. After all, I wouldn’t have yelled if my attempts at talking to them weren’t completely ignored.
Thankfully, my husband is wise and pulled me out of the situation before I could dig a deeper hole for myself. Right as I closed my front door and looked at my husband, I realized I was in the wrong. I was in the wrong no matter how much I justified it. (Even as I spent the next half hour trying to calm down and justify it.)
I was ashamed. Truly, I was. I immediately knew that I didn’t act appropriately and I had sinned in my anger. You see, I used to get angry like that a lot, especially as a young adult. I spent a year in a Celebrate Recovery program to work on overcoming my anger issues with Biblical truth. I truly believed I had overcome that high intensity anger. I cannot remember a time in the past decade where I had been triggered like that.
Clearly though, given the right circumstances, pre-Jesus Ashleigh gets triggered and I am brought right back to that insecure twenty-something year old who is tired of being told that she’s stupid, wrong, and doesn’t know anything all while being relied upon to handle everybody and their issues.
I immediately started worrying about negative consequences. What if they complain to the office? An office staff that I had a great relationship with, would they now think differently of me if the incident got reported? Did I even help the situation or did I make it worse? What if they found out I was a Christian—would they think more or less of Christ with how I acted? Or would my actions confirm any disdain they already held for Christians?
I didn’t represent myself or what I believed in well. In under a minute I had gotten so worked up that it took longer to calm down than it did to get that angry. I had sinned in my anger.
Which made me start thinking about right and wrong. It made me think about how actions have consequences and how those consequences, even when we learn our lesson, still need to happen.
Really quick, because words matter and definitions matter, I want to define the word consequences because many, many people think consequences only refer to negative actions taken.
Consequence (noun): something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions
A consequence is simply the result of a choice, an action, or something else that happened. A consequence of having a birthday is birthday presents and getting a year older. If I choose to have a party, the consequence is people gathering together to celebrate. There are good consequences and bad consequences.
Is there a true right and wrong? Yes, there is. Morality is defined as conformity to ideals of right human conduct. Who decides “right human conduct”? God does! He gave us an entire book that showcases the ideals of right and wrong and how we should be conducting ourselves. So, while I was instantly ashamed and had to wrestle with the fact that my actions were wrong, even if I felt justified. Even if you can justify my actions or even think I wasn’t wrong in what I did, I was still wrong in my response.
My response shows me that I fail and that I need Jesus. The moral laws of God are ones that point to perfection. These are ideals I will never accomplish or reach on my own. That’s why I need Jesus. That’s why I need the gospel. I need the gospel just as much as that woman I yelled at needs it. However, would I be able to share hope with her in the aftermath of our interaction? I know I want to try but we’ll see if God opens that door. However, her heart might be hardened because of our interaction.
All these possibilities make me thankful that I am not God and thankful that I am saved. All I can do is pray for forgiveness and continue to allow God to sanctify me as I grow closer to Him.
I’ll be meditating on these verses though, especially as we live in a society where it is so easy to get angry and to feel justified in our anger. We need to remember to not sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26) and that the great commission calls us to share the gospel and teach others the teaching of Jesus (Matthew 28:16-20).
Proverbs 15:1—A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(This might be why my interaction went the way it did. Even my husband said I could have tried harder to talk instead of yell.)
Colossians 3:8—But now you must put them all away: anger, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
In the end, our actions matter more than our emotions. I can be justified—in the eyes of the world— that my emotions are valid and my actions justified.
God has a different standard though and while I could be justified as the world sees it, it doesn’t change the fact that I acted wrongly. Two wrongs don’t make a right, as my mother used to say. In God’s eyes, I’m wrong and the only thing that justifies me is Jesus.